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Do You Face Difficult/Hostile
Parents & Members of The Public?
Announcing Our New Books
Written For Teachers, Administrators, Trustees, and School Staff.
Ordering Information
The following is the first
chapter from our book entitled Defusing
Hostile/Volatile Situations
for Educational Personnel. You can order
using the form at order.htm.
1996 Copyright, Robert
Bacal
Defusing Hostile and Volatile Situations For
Educators -
Book Chapter III - An Overview
of the Defusing Process
The following is an excerpt
from our book entitled "Defusing
Hostile/Volatile Situations
(for educators). Copyright 1995
(Robert Bacal). The book
can be ordered directly from Bacal &
Associates at:
Publications, Bacal &
Associates
252 Cathcart St.
Winnipeg, Mb., Canada,
R3R 0S2
Cost is $33.95+$4.50 shipping.
We will invoice with the book. A
companion workbook/exercise
book is available for $14.95 + $4.50
shipping.
For further information
contact: rbacal@escape.ca or call at
(204) 888-9290.
Overview of The Defusing
Process
r Introduction
In the last chapter we
discussed the nature of
anger, hostile behaviour
and abusive behaviour. In
this chapter we provide
you with some basic
principles regarding
defusing hostility. In the
next chapter, we will
get even more specific and
provide you with specific
language to use, and
other defusing techniques.
Before we do that, let's
do a little review of the
key points in the last
chapter.
r Review
1. At times parents and
members of the public are
going to be angry,
and you need to recognize
that they have a right
to be upset or angry.
2. People do NOT have
the right to be abusive or
manipulative.
3. You need to focus your
attention on techniques
to reduce the amount
of hostile behaviour aimed
at you. If these
techniques cause the other
person to feel less angry,
that's great, but that
isn't something
you can control.
4. Hostile and abusive
behaviour is intended to
control and manipulate
you.
5. Hostile and abusive
behaviour is learned at a
very young age, and
everyone has learned how to do
it.
6. Hostile people will
dangle bait in front of you.
The first step to
avoiding escalation of these
situations is to not
take the bait.
7. The rules of the hostile
"game" say that when
attacked, you are
EXPECTED to respond defensively,
or by counter-attacking.
When you do so you play
the game according to
the attacker's rules, and you
will lose.
8. While angry people
want their problems solved,
they will also
respond positively if you:
. appear helpful
. offer choices
. acknowledge their
feelings
. reassure
9. Hostile situations
can escalate very quickly.
One key to defusing
is to control the
interaction from square
one, and avoid doing
things that will
cause the escalation cycle to
continue.
r The CARP System
- A Master Strategy
The CARP system is simply
a way to remind yourself
about the four major
parts of the defusing process.
It is what we call an
umbrella strategy.
The CARP process is shown
on page 37. When you
look at the diagram,
apart from the picture of the
goldfish, you will notice
that each letter of
"CARP" stands for a different
part of the process.
The four parts are:
C ontrol
A cknowledge
R efocus
P roblem-solve
Let's go through these
one by one.
r Control
When you communicate with
an irate person, they
will often "take the
floor", refusing to listen to
you. Often, they
will take a verbally attacking
position, peppering you
with questions, or insults,
and not letting you get
a word in edgewise. This
is particularly pronounced
on the phone, but also
occurs in person.
Some have characterized the
behaviour of the irate
person as "ranting".
In addition to the verbal
behaviour of the irate
person, they may use
non-verbal behaviour to
intimidate, anger, or
otherwise make you feel
uncomfortable.
They may move into your space,
stare, and glare, and
attempt to use height to
their advantage. As we
have said before, the other
person attempts to control
the interaction, by
causing you to become
defensive, angry or
off-balance.
So, your first goal in
the defusing process is to
gain control over the
interaction. You need to get
the person to the point
where they are willing to
stop talking and listen.
If they don't stop their
"rant", there is not
much chance of a positive
outcome. You may
also need to control the
interaction non-verbally,
so that the person stops
using non-verbal intimidation
tactics to put you
off balance.
As you will see when we
talk about specific ways of
controlling the interaction,
we want to be as
subtle as possible in
reasserting control. Telling
a someone to "get out
of my face" is not likely to
work very well.
The key in reasserting
control is to behave in ways
that send the subtle
sub-message "Your techniques
are not going to work
on me".
While we will get into
specific techniques later,
now would be a good time
to provide you with an
example of how one public
servant was able to
re-assert control of
a hostile interaction. While
this isn't an example
from the world of education,
it is such a good example,
for many reasons, that I
have included it here.
Picture a government office.
Since the branch
deals directly with the
public, it has a
storefront. It
looks much like a bank, where
people line up and are
served at a wicket.
Mr. Jones walks in, and
after waiting in line,
arrives at the wicket.
He asks for what he wants
and the employee, Fred,
informs the client that he
must fill in a series
of forms, and provide some
documents (ie. birth
certificate, etc). Mr. Jones
starts getting angrier
and angrier, and says:
"Why the hell didn't anyone
tell me about this
before. You want
me to spend the next hour filling
out your damn forms,
and on top of that I need a
birth certificate...why
the heck can't I just use
my driver's licence.
You guys are so stupid and
inefficient...I am sick
of having my tax money
support your inefficiency."
Fred, replies
"Sir, I know it's frustrating,
but we can't process
your application without
the forms being filled out
and the birth certificate.
Why don't you just fill
out the forms?"
This doesn't help at all,
and Mr. Jones continues
on.
"Because I have better
things to do with my time,
it's too bad you don't.
You know what you can do
with your F***** forms?
You can take them and
shove em where the sun
don't shine". [Actually he
used more graphic language].
Fred replies:
"Mr. Jones, I would love
to oblige you on that, but
unfortunately, I have
five file folders, six other
forms and a large filing
cabinet up there, and
quite honestly, I don't
think that there is room
for much more".
Mr. Jones stops talking
for a moment. When he
realizes what the employee
has said, his jaw drops.
Then after a second or
two, he starts laughing.
Fred joins in.
Mr. Jones says:
"Look, I'm sorry.
I'm having a bad day, and I
don't mean to take it
out on you. Do I really have
to do all this?"
Fred replies:
"I know you are frustrated,
but yes, we need the
forms done. Can
I make a suggestion as to how you
might do this as quickly
as possible, so you don't
spend anymore time than
necessary?"
Mr. Jones replies:
"Yeah, OK."
r Quick Analysis
Notice what happened here.
Fred, using humour,
stunned Mr. Jones into
giving up the floor. He
used humour to surprise
and defuse the hostile
person's anger.
In the "Food For Thought" section
at the end of the chapter,
we will ask you a few
questions to further
explore the technique used.
The important thing to
note is that Fred gained
control of the interaction
so that he could move on
to a more productive
discussion.
r Acknowledge
The A in CARP stands for
acknowledge. Remember it
is important that the
angry person see that you
understand his/her emotional
state, and the
situation. So,
when we talk about acknowledging,
we are talking about
two major techniques, empathy
and active listening.
The key point here is
that a person's anger will
tend to diminish if the
person feels you understand
them. Again, we
will talk about ways that work and
ways that don't when
we get to specific techniques.
r Refocus
The R in CARP refers to
refocus. When a person is
angry, that anger interferes
with your ability to
work with the person
quickly and effectively. The
control and acknowledge
components are designed to
calm the person down
somewhat. Refocusing involves
making the transition
from dealing with emotions to
dealing with the actual
problem.
Note the sequence. We
do not attempt to deal with
the problem until we
have dealt with the feelings
first. This is
VERY important.
r Problem-Solve
The P in CARP stands for
problem-solving.
Before we move to problem-solving,
we look to see
that the person is becoming
more cooperative, less
emotional, and more rational.
Refocusing provides
the transition to "getting
down to business"
Problem-solving involves
actions like getting and
giving information, suggesting
possibilities and
appearing helpful,
offering choices as available,
agreeing on a course
of action, and following
through.
r Important Points
The sequence of the CARP
system is important.
While you may try to
gain control and acknowledge
almost at the same time,
what is really important
is that you don't jump
to problem solving too
early. How do you
know if it is too early?
When you find yourself
explaining the same thing
over and over, or the
person is just not listening
and continues to interrupt,
the person isn't ready
to deal with the problem.
If this occurs, go back
to the acknowledgment
component.
Remember that ALL four
components are necessary to
effective defusing.
To illustrate, another story
is in order.
I had the opportunity
to deliver a defusing
hostility seminar to
a group of people. In that
group was a manager,
who we will call Roger. Roger
liked the course, and
said he found it very
valuable.
About a year later, Roger
called me up, and said he
wanted me to deliver
the seminar to his staff. I
agreed and we set up
a few seminars.
At one of those seminars,
I talked about the
importance of acknowledgment,
and was talking about
using empathy.
Several of the staff there found
this quite amusing, and
were whispering to one
another. I was
curious as to what was happening (I
always like a good joke),
and at break time, asked
the two people what they
found amusing. One of the
fellows responded:
"Well, now we know where
Roger got that empathy
stuff."
His tone indicated that
this was not a completely
positive statement, so
I asked what he meant. He
replied:
"Well, let me put it this
way. I go into Roger's
office to complain about
the antiquated computer
equipment. After
I explain how bad it is, and that
we need to do something
about it, Roger usually
says something like "You
seem really frustrated
about this". Then
I explain that I am frustrated,
and we must do something
about the equipment.
Roger will say something
like "It must be very
frustrating". After
a few minutes, I usually give
up.
Now, the problem with
Roger is he glommed on to the
acknowledgment part,
but didn't figure out he had
to refocus and problem-solve,
or he would come off
as a bit of an idiot.
He didn't use all of the
CARP components.
He appeared less than genuine. It
was clear to staff that
ole Roger wasn't prepared
to be helpful or do anything
useful.
If you think about it,
it is rather amazing than
Roger hasn't been throttled
by his staff!
r Principles of
Defusing
At this point we are going
to look at twelve
principles that you can
use to guide your defusing
efforts. In the
next chapter we will move to much
more specific actions
and phrases you can use.
r Principle 1: Deal
With The Feelings First
A fundamental principle
of defusing is that you
must deal with the anger
and frustration first,
since an angry person
tends to think unclearly, and
less rationally.
Empathy statements and questions
are effective ways to
acknowledge the
person'feelings.
r Principle 2: Avoid
Coming Across As Bureaucratic
Traditionally, government
and government employees,
or those in publicly
funded school systems have
been viewed as unfeeling
and uncaring, and overly
formal and officious.
Some believe that if they
are aloof, very formal,
and talk in complicated
language, they will gain
more respect from clients.
Unfortunately, the exact
opposite is the case. The
more bureaucratic you
sound, the more likely you
are to infuriate the
person you are dealing with.
We know that the more
a person sees you as a gear
in the bureaucratic machinery,
the more he/she
treat you like an object.
And this means, more
abuse. However, if you
come across as a real human
being, with a name, and
feelings, the hostile
individual is less likely
to aim anger and hostile
behaviour at you.
A second reason to consider
relates to the source
of the person's anger.
Although they may express
their frustration in
ways that seem very personal
to you, in the form of
slurs, and other attacks,
their anger is primarily
about the system they are
interacting with.
You are just a handy target.
The more they see you
as "that system" the more
they are likely to direct
their frustrations at
you.
When dealing with parents
or members of the public,
avoid coming across as
bureaucratic. It's better
to express a bit of personality,
smile, and use the
person's name, and your
name if possible. Also
avoid bureaucratic language,
or specialized
educational jargon.
For example, rather than
reading from a school
or board policy, explain it
in common language, while
making the original text
available. Stay
away from harsh language that can
be interpreted as inflexible
(see section on
cooperative language).
And stay away from the
expression "It's against
policy", or anything
similar. If you
need to explain a policy,
introduce your explanation
with something like:
"Let me explain how we
usually do things. We ask
that you..."
In other words, talk like
a live human being, not a
bureaucrat. You
can say whatever you need to say
in a helpful, cooperative
and human way. You don't
need to be the bureaucrat.
By the way, many members
of the public expect you
to be cold, distant,
and formal. Some may not
expect you to be nice
or respectful. The have very
low expectations of you
even before you have met.
By not fitting these
expectations, you throw the
angry person off.
r Principle 3: Each
Situation Is Different
While you can use this
book, or take a seminar to
help you with defusing,
the bottom line is that
each person you deal
with is slightly different.
One person may respond
very well to a gentle
approach. Another
person may respond to a firm
tone, while someone else
may require you to be
almost aggressive.
You must use your judgement and
experience, since you
are the one interacting with
the person.
What this means is that
you must observe the person
carefully, watching to
see if anything in
particular is working.
If you try several empathy
responses and the person
gets more hostile, either
you are misphrasing your
responses (tone, words),
or, empathy just isn't
going to work with that
person. You decide.
You try out techniques, and
look for their effect.
If it works, keep doing it
and if it doesn't try
something different.
r Principle 4: Strive
To Control The Interaction
Your two major tasks when
dealing with a hostile
person are to acknowledge
their feelings and
attempt to get them to
start responding to you.
Often, you will be doing
both at the same time.
Remember that if you
can't get control, you can't
accomplish anything.
r Principle 5: Begin
Defusing Early
In an earlier section
we discussed the escalation
cycle, and how angry
interactions tend to escalate
with time, unless one
person gets off the
merry-go-round.
The more the situation escalates,
the more time, energy
and upset it is going to
create. So, you
want to begin defusing early. In
fact, you can pre-empt
angry attacks by taking
control of the interaction
immediately (be the
first person to speak),
and empathize, even before
the angry person has
had a chance to launch the
first salvo. One
thing that will help you defuse
early is to look for
non-verbal indications that
your client is upset,
as they approach you. If
they look tense, glance
at their watch, scowl, etc,
then you should be particularly
sure that you
defuse immediately.
r Principle 6:
Be Assertive, Not Aggressive Or
Passive
Being assertive means
that you act in a confident
way, and that you talk
calmly but firmly, if
necessary. It also
means that your physical
posture must be confident
rather than too passive
or aggressive.
If you have taken an assertiveness
training course,
you will doubtless be
familiar with assertive
language such as:
"When you yell at me,
I feel upset. I would like
you to stop yelling,
or I am going to end our
conversation."
or
"When you get too close
to me, I feel trapped. I
would like you to step
back, or I am going to ask
you to leave."
We DO NOT suggest you
use this type of language
with angry clients.
It is fine with people with
whom you have relationships,
but remember that the
angry client isn't particularly
interested in your
feelings. They
are concerned about their own
feelings, and want to
hear you recognize them
rather than vice versa.
So, we want to leave out
references to our own
emotions, for the most
part. We will look more
carefully at this when
we talk about assertive
limit-setting.
Being assertive means
being firm, sounding and
looking confident, and
recognizing that, you too,
have rights.
Now, let's look at aggressiveness
and passivity.
Most of us know how to
be aggressive. The
aggressive person uses
very harsh language, a tone
of voice that sounds
angry, and projects a
physically confrontational
stance. Note that we
include any expressions
of frustration in this
category of behaviour,
such as sighing, rolling the
eyes, etc. That's
aggressive too.
The problem with aggressive
behaviour is that it
invites confrontation
and argument. If you want to
spend half an hour arguing
over some off-topic
point, or if you want
to put yourself at risk
physically, then be aggressive.
If, however, you
want to deal with the
other person professionally
and quickly, and increase
your own safety, then be
firm, assertive and calm.
At the other end of the
spectrum is passivity.
Passive people tend not
to stand up for themselves,
use a tone of voice that
is whiny or weak-sounding,
and tend to use a body
posture that looks
powerless. Some
people believe that the more
passive you are the less
likely people are to be
nasty to you. The
problem with this is that
passivity will entice
a bully to redouble their
efforts at intimidation.
They will sense your
discomfort, and continue
to attack if they feel you
are off balance or weak.
Again, assertiveness is
the key. Firm but
cooperative language
and tone is the best choice
and avoids creating confrontations,
or appearing
like you have a "kick
me" sign on your butt.
r Principle 7: If
You Lose Control of Yourself,
You
Lose, Period
Perhaps the very worst
thing you can do with a
hostile person is to
lose control over your own
emotions, or , more specifically
your behaviour.
When you allow yourself
to get angry and respond
aggressively, you are
going to have an argument or
a physical confrontation.
If you get angry and
make a snarky remark,
or use hostile body language,
you will simply provoke
the person to continue.
What we stress here is
that while you are allowed
to be angry or upset
with a parent or member of the
public, it is not usually
in your own interest to
"take it out" on that
person. It isn't so much an
issue of what's right
or what's wrong...it's a very
practical issue.
Allow yourself to get your
buttons pushed, and you
are letting yourself in for
a string of hassles that
you don't need. Another
point to remember - because
of your position you
have less leeway to express
your anger with a
parent, and not suffer
negative consequences.
Parents, however can
express their anger in a nasty
manner without having
to deal with those same
consequences.
Normally, when we talk
about self-control, we talk
about anger control,
but there is another issue.
Hostile people don't
just do things that contribute
to your anger.
They also do things that are
intimidating. So
self-control also involves
learning how to control
your behaviour when someone
is trying to intimidate
you.
It is absolutely essential
that you pay attention
to controlling your own
reactions. You may not be
able to completely control
your own anger, but at
least you can make sure
that you don't communicate
your anger in ways that
will make the situation
worse.
r Principle 8:
What You Focus On, You Get More
Of
Sometimes I think this
a general principle of life
and not just a defusing
principle. It seems like
when you focus your attention
on something, you get
more of it. When
people focus on doing work rather
than results, they get
more work. When people
think about food all
the time, they tend to eat a
lot.
With respect to hostile
situations, this principle
has a specific application.
When a hostile person
brings up red-herrings
that have little to do with
the reason you are dealing
with them, you have one
of two choices.
The first is to sidestep the
red-herring and NOT focus
much on it. The second
is to "dignify" the red-herring
by talking about
it. If you focus
on the red-herring, you will
encourage the person
to talk more about it. When
you do NOT focus on it,
you are less likely to
encourage the person
to continue on that theme.
But we have previously
stated that it is important
to acknowledge the angry
and frustrated feelings of
a parent. Is this
not focusing on something that
we don't want more of?
Yes and no. The purpose of
acknowledging is to show
that you are being
attentive and understanding,
without going into any
depth about all the details
of the person's
feelings or story.
That is why the CARP model
specifies that after
acknowledging, you REFOCUS
back to the problem.
So you acknowledge and move
on. Acknowledge
and move on.
r Principle 9: Don't
Supply Ammunition
Lord knows, a hostile
person can dredge up enough
ammunition by themselves
without your help. You can
be sure that if you sigh,
roll your eyes, show
frustration, mutter,
or do similar things, you make
it easier for the verbal
abuser. Your words and
actions can also be used
against you if the person
chooses to lodge a complaint
with someone else in
the organization
For example, when you slam the
phone down noisily on
an obnoxious caller, you
encourage the person
to complain to someone, and
claim that you slammed
the phone down, or you were
rude. And then
you have to explain, and get more
frustrated with the situation.
If you are a
teacher, do you really
want to spend time
explaining to the principal
what has happened? You
don't need the hassle.
Things that you say can
also be used as ammunition
against you and your
organization. Be aware that
some hostile people will
try to get you to agree to
something, so they can
use that agreement as a
weapon when talking to
another staff member. For
example, a person complains
to you that Jim, a
colleague of yours, gave
him the wrong information.
Without looking into
it you reply "Well, obviously
Jim was mistaken".
The person you are talking to
may very well go back
to Jim and quote you or say
something like "Even
[your name] thinks you're
wrong, your very own
staff".
See the problem?
So, one thing you want to think
about is what kinds of
things you say and do that
might be used in the
attack on you, or on another
person.
r Principle 10:
Don't Ask Questions You Don't
Want To Hear Answers
To
Questions are an important
tool in defusing. But
often people will ask
questions, when they really
do not want to deal with
the answers, or spend any
time on the answers.
The best way to illustrate
this is with an example
I often use in my seminars.
Parent: It's because
I'm green [ethnic background]
isn't it. You
just don't like green people
and that's why you failed
my son!"
Principal: Why do
you think I don't like green
people?
Parent: Isn't it
obvious? You failed my son! I
see you giving these
non-green people what
they want. And
I'm the only green person
here...so I'd
have to be an idiot not to notice
your
racist attitudes...[and on and on].
The Principal wanted to
show that she was concerned
about the parent's remarks,
and wanted him to know
that they were being
taken seriously. Presumably,
the idea was that the
parent would realize the
employee was concerned
and would calm down.
Unfortunately, look what
happened. The parent made
an accusation of bias,
which we will presume was
untrue. The Principal,
by asking the question,
opened the door for more
discussion which clearly
was not in anyone's best
interests. Note also how
this fits in with Principle
Nine above. The
educator focused on the
accusation of racism, and
got more of it.
Now, in some situations,
it may be appropriate to
ask the above question.
It depends on the
situation. You
need to judge whether there is
anything to be gained
by asking such a question.
If you NEED to ask it,
then do so, but be aware
that it encourages the
client to continue on the
topic, rather than on
the problem the parent is
having in the first place.
r Principle 11:
Avoid Inadvertent Errors
I know that you don't
intentionally say things to
people to make them angrier
or more hostile. Many
hostile situations escalate
because the employee
does not realize that
he or she is saying or doing
something that doesn't
come across as helpful as
intended. An example:
Someone calls asking for
Marlene. Marlene is out,
so you inform the caller
that a message can be
left. The caller
complains about being given the
run-around and how long
everything is taking. You
inform the person that
you will check to see if you
can do something for
them and put them on hold. It
takes you several minutes
to find the file. When
you get back to the phone,
the customer explodes
about the wait.
What a surprise!
You may have been trying to be
helpful, but the caller
TOLD you they were angry
about the time everything
takes. Is it any
surprise that they got
angrier, having to wait SOME
MORE? Not really.
You inadvertently made things
worse by trying to be
helpful in the wrong way.
If you want to get really
good at defusing, you
need to view your own
behaviour AS IT APPEARS to
the other person.
It may be that what you think
will be helpful, from
your perspective, may be seen
as negative by the person
you are speaking to.
Think like the other
person, or put yourself in
their position.
That can help.
Here are some additional
sample phrases that may be
well meaning, but will
escalate the interaction:
"You know, your child
isn't the only one in the
school"
"If we made an exception
for you, then we would
have to make an exception
for everyone"
We will discuss this further
when we examine
confrontational vs. cooperative
language, and the
notion of "hot phrases".
r Principle 12:
Avoid High Risk, High Gain
Behaviour
High risk, high gain behaviour
is behaviour that,
when it works, is very
effective in defusing. When
it doesn't work it escalates
the conflict to an
extreme degree.
For example, telling someone to be
quiet may be effective
in some situations, and the
other person may realize
that he is acting
inappropriately. But
for many people, being told to
be quiet is like being
told to shut up, and is
bound to escalate the
situation.
Another example is humour.
Humour can be a great
technique to defuse a
situation, when it works. If
you can say something
that gets the other person to
smile or laugh, you will
probably defuse the
situation. However
if you try humour and the other
person doesn't think
it's funny, they will think
you just aren't taking
them seriously. Then they
will be really mad.
High risk, high gain.
r Food For Thought
1. Take a look at the
following situation. While
it isn't an education
example, the principles
apply to almost any situation.
Consider the
question: Why did the
customer blow up?
A workplace, health
and safety inspector discovers
that a manufacturing
machine is unsafe. Fixing
the machine is going
to cost the owner thousands
of dollars, and he is
upset and angry. After
working with the
owner, the inspector finally gets
the owner to calm down
and give in. As the
inspector is leaving
he says: "Oh, by the way, I am
going to be back
in two weeks to make sure you
have kept your promise."
The owner starts
shouting.
Why did the customer blow up?
2. Make a list of statements
and phrases that sound
bureaucratic. Promise
yourself you will avoid
these phrases.
3 Go back to our humorous
example on pages 39-40.
In this real life
example, the approach worked.
What would have happened
had it not worked? What
general principles can
you suggest regarding the
use of humour?
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